Friday, November 4, 2011
We're being followed...
Me: You're insane.
Mom: I'm not insane. I watch CSI. I'm informed. And Criminal Minds!
Me: Mom, it's a winding one lane road with no turn offs.
Mom: You don't know! Maybe he was following us back to the cabin so he could hurt us!
My mother should not be allowed to watch crime shows--especially before we are scheduled to go live in a cabin in the Ozarks for the weekend. She gets crazier than a bedbug.
First, there was the truck behind us. Never mind that it was Diversity Weekend and it was the busiest Eureka Springs ever gets. She was determined that any vehicle following us was on a mission to rape, rob and murder us in our sleep.
Then, came the paranoia of feeling that we were being watched from the woods. I thought she was going to have a heart attack when I told her the cabin would be unlocked with the keys on the counter. She fretted about the possibilities of someone lying in wait in the cabin for us to walk in, resulting in our subsequent rape and murder. The first thing she did was check every room in the cabin. Secondly, she turned on every. single. light. Then, she closed all the curtains so no one could see into the rooms. She even went so far as to lock the door each time we went to get a bag from the van. .____. She also insisted on locking both locks when we left the cabin, fretting the one time I only locked the bottom lock.
Her wretched driving and paranoia aside, we had a great time. We both had a much needed vacation. We need to do something like that more often, since Dad has proven himself capable of being left on his onesies for more than a day.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Road Trip
Mom: You should take Gizmo out to potty.
Me: Okay.
Mom: Are you staying in the car?
Me: I thought I was taking Gizmo to potty.
Mom: Oh, yeah.
So...Mom and I are taking our first road trip since my cousin Jerry's funeral. Road trips with Mom are always exciting. She insists on programming Hilary (the GPS), but she will insist she knows a better route take. Because of this, I am forced to listen to Hilary calculate our route every time Mom takes a turn Hilary doesn't like.
Mom is also under the impression that things like stop signs don't apply to her. And let's not forget roundabouts! She is the person who gets confused and stops in the middle, not sure which exit to take.
Needless to say, this road trip should be interesting. It will probably provide me with material for months.
Friday, October 21, 2011
Must be Chlamydia
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Homecoming
Me: See? This is why I hate coming home.
Mom: Elizabeth Ann, you shouldn't shouldn't say things like that! This is where you are from.
Me: I know, and apparently, it is full of toothless losers who get drunk at noon and walk down the middle of the street.
Mom: (indignant and quite serious) Maybe he can't afford dental care! You don't know!
Me: (laughing so hard I cried)
Mom: What are you laughing at?!
Me: You have to know.
Mom: What?!
Me: (shaking my head) I love you, Mom.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Pompeii'd
Me: Pomade, mom.
Mom: Oh, pomade.
Me: But I think you mean mustache wax...
I love my mom.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Pigs from 'Nam
Me: Mogwai?
Mom: No. Those Vietnam pigs. What are they called?
Me: Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs?
Mom: Yes! She looks like one of those.
Me: (Facepalm)
Monday, October 17, 2011
Jaguar or Thunderbird?
Me: No, it's a Thunderbird.
Mom: Well, it could have been a Jaguar.
Me: Because a Jaguar emblam looks like a bird...
Mom: I knew it wasn't a Jaguar! I just didn't know what it was!
Me: I don't think you did know it wasn't a Jaguar.
(pause)
Me: This is going on the blog.
Mom: Shut up. You shouldn't make fun of your mother.
Me: You might make me a lot of money one day.
Mom: I won't make you any money. I'll probably end up spending all my money on you before I die.
My mother is hilarious. She doesn't mean to be, she just says things that are ridiculous on a regular basis. Don't get me wrong. I'm not disparaging her. Okay, so maybe I am, but not in a hateful way. She says things that make me laugh so hard I cry, and I want to share them. One day, I will look back and this blog and be able to remember how awesome my mother really was and how much fun we had. I hope you enjoy reading this blog as much as I will enjoy writing it.